Mirtazepine-you evil bastard!

Ok, feeling less wobbly and depressed. No thanks to my hard-to-reach doc. (More thanks to my normal cycliness.) Actually I'm feeling rather good about the world in general... except one thing... Oh, yes... it's rant-time. ^_^
Anyhooow, change of druggies again, *mumble, mumble, none too pleased mumble* (I liked my old antidepressants, they were the goodness.)
Anyways, now they've given me Mirtazepine (rot your black soul, if you had one, you bastard!) and all I've noticed from it is;
I'm gaining weight so quickly I think can actually see myself growing fatter, (I mean... all my meds seem to make me gain weight... the olanzapine for instance is a bitch. But this one seems to be particularly bad... or maybe it's just the lovely cocktail of different meds that's doing it, I don't know.)
after taking them I fall deeply asleep within 30 minutes (I suppose this is a good thing) and
I spend most of my day (I take them at night so I'm talking of the day after here) in a haze like sleepiness (decidedly non-good as it makes it dreadfully hard to concentrate on studying).
BAH! I say, BAH! >_<

I AM NOT A HAPPY BUTTERFLY!

Decent morning

I've been having a surprisingly decent morning... it's not been too bad, considering the circumstances.
Ofcourse, the day is still young.

Anyways... I should be studying for my exam tomorrow, I really need to pass this one, but I can't really concentrate. I tried eating this morning and failed rather miserably, I'm not even going to bother trying at lunch. Still, so far I've not thought about dying and there's been no hallucinations yet.

As I said, this is a surprisingly decent morning. I might even try to paint a little mor on the big canvas... or I'll just start a new small one.... maybe.

pleasant noise

It's that time of night when the television stops showing programs and becomes just an image with classical music playing in the background... I find this is the first time all day that I've paid any attention to it at all... in spite of it having been on all day. (I've had it on quite simply for some background noice to drown out the neighbours. Somehow people laughing makes me want to retch at the moment. Silly, I know.)
It's playing Bach's "Air". I love this piece... it feels like a requiem of sorts, like everything is drifting just slightly beyond ones grasp.
It's calming. My inside's been raging all day, like someone's been screaming inside my head...

The hallucinations are back. Intellectually, I know they are hallucinations but at the same time I don't think it whilst they are happening. It's a little strange, I usually don't get them too bad when I'm depressed, maybe it's a sign I'm getting worse... what would I know.

I suppose I should call up my doctor, but she's useless. Since moving back here I've barely seen her at all (there's been one excuse after the other) and if I try to get an appointment I'll have to wait weeks... which is silly since if I wait weeks things might be totally different. Stupid woman, I don't like her. I miss dr. Sabine, she was the best.
Oh, Chopin. I think they must be playing for me today, all my favourites are on.

How different days can be... from feverish activity when one moves faster than time, to days when one just stares at nothing for hours and hours and one feels as though one might be eaten alive by ones own thoughts.

Currently I am tired. Incredibly so. Which is, in my case, never a good sign. Isn't it strange how one's outside and inside can be so very different from eachother... I went to the university even though I couldn't focus on my lectures I probably seemed collected enough, inside I feel so heavy, numb and dead. It's frightening.

"The Dog"

My feet touch the ground ever so lightly. The glow that surrounds me from the sunset makes the world glow as if dipped in honey. I slip out of my robe and as it slides to the ground I, too become covered in the sun-honey. I shudder as crisp air envelope every inch of my body and make the downy hairs rise.

I walk, I rise, I dance like the sea. I am all consuming. I am a fiery sun, those that embrace me turn to ash in my arms and yet I do not even stop to look at the charred bones that are left in my path.

My blood has turned to electricity and I convulse in orgasmic pleasure.

The deafening noise of silence overwhelms me.… then the voices come.

At first whispering, encouraging.

“Just a little further.”

“Go on, taste it.”

Then forcefully.

“Do it, do it, do it!”

“It’s the only way forward.”

“You can’t go back now.”

Now they blend together into a cacophony of threats and pleading… Nearly as deafening as the silence that came before

I obey and taste the air in big gulping breaths. What else can I do?

It is both bitter and sweet; it tastes of life and death. It is fire and ice; it is the breath of gods.

I know if I can just taste a little more I’ll be free… I’ll win; I’ll have the glory that always hovers at the edge of my vision. I laugh with lungs filled to the brim with golden air.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

I twitch at the bark, I cower and whimper. It is the voice that guards the gate.

The watchdog.

The chain.

I look for ways around the dog and find none, I tear at the chain and it grows tighter around my neck.

But I put the chain around my own neck and the dog belongs to me. I could lock the dog away; I could remove the chain and dive head first into the glowing, burning sky and let myself melt and merge into it.…

But I fear the metamorphosis I ache for, the prize I must inevitably pay for daring to taste the gods.

So here I’ll remain, naked, cold, staring into the eyes of the dog.